So for some reason I've been thinking about my mom alot. I think it's just the pre-Holiday season that gets me remembering my childhood days. My mom's been gone for about 7 years now. It's amazing how the time flies! I wish she could have been here to meet my husband and see my Nicholas. We had alot of great memories but lately I've been remembering some of the bad ones. My mom had a very cold and mean side to her and I guess as a mother I am hoping  that this side never comes out in me. I think that alot of women are afraid of becoming their moms.

The Christmas Eve fight was a yearly ritual that sticks out in my head. Dad would take a half day and take his employees out to have drinks and every year without fail come home drunk. Mom would be busy trying to get Christmas Eve dinner on the table, have the presents wrapped and the kids dressed. Dad would roll in at 4:30 still in his work clothes (general contractor), kiss mom and then let the fireworks begin. Mom always could smell the scotch on his breath and needless to say she would be pissed! The fight always seem to start with, "You would rather be with the guys then your family on Christmas Eve?". "Do you know how hard I have been working to get this dinner ready?" If any of us kids dare enter the room at this time we would be told to clean something, either run the vacuum, scrub the floor, clean the bathrooms - whatever she would spout out. If you didn't get the heck out of there you would end up with a wooden spoon on your backside. Ahhh the memories! But don't get me wrong, it usually didn't last that long and when it was time to start dreaming about sugar plums mom and dad where usually made up and exhausted sitting by the fire. I guess having six kids takes it's toll. (yes I am the baby)

Besides this yearly ritual one other thing that stuck out in my head was my mom's ability to destroy your self esteem. Mom monitored our weight carefully. If you looked like you gained a pound mom would tell you so. Yeah needless to say I have major self image issues today. I was a dancer since I was 8 years old. I had visions of being a ballerina like so many little girls do. But unfortunately God gave me big hips and boobs! Which are more like the features that a GoGo gal needs vs a ballerina! I did good as a dancer but between my mom and 90% of the girls in the classes being stick figures I never felt like I was going to be taken seriously and I always hated my body. I stayed short and the other girls got taller and skinnier every year. I remember one time trying to tape my boobs because I didn't like the way they moved when I tapped danced. Sad thing is I only had a B cup back then and I thought they where so big!

As we all got older my sisters and I put on weight. Once I heard my mother say all my girls are getting fat. Even as an adult it still ran intense emotions down my spine. Heck even just thinking about it now gets me a bit weepy. Perhaps this is all coming out because of what I have seen with the house around the corner and that mother treating her kids so bad.  I just hope that I can learn from the mistakes my mom made. She's human and despite her sometime harsh and strict parenting style I don't love her any less. Raising six kids was a huge job and I am sure that if I had to do the same the stress would sometimes come out in the form of anger toward the kids.

But all you can do is take it in, remember it, and become bigger and better. Never succumb to the idea that you will turn into your mother. Despite sharing a genetic code - we are different people.
I've turned out to be a hard worker, devote wife and good mother so Mom definitely did something right!