I was going through my computer and I had been keeping a baby diary for awhile before I went back to work. This was one of my favorite entries so I thought I would share it with you. I have a big family and one of my sisters kept telling me should couldn't explain motherhood to me. That after the baby was here for a little while I would just "Get it". My son was about 10 weeks old when I wrote this and even still when I read it I get tears in my eyes.

October 13, 2007

    It was a crisp autumn morning. I woke up to the nudge of a big wet nose in my face. The room is silent except for the deep breathing of two excited dogs who want to go out. I look up at the clock, 7:49! I fly out of bed, in a matter of just seconds so many terrible thoughts run through my head. Did the blanket get caught over his head? Is it too cold for him? I slowly peek over the side of the crib to see Nicholas sound asleep with his arms up over his head. I gently touch the side of his cheek - still scared of what I might feel. As I put my finger on his warm face he gently sighs and then so do I.
    I go and brush my teeth and then peek in again. He's still in the same position. I take the dogs outside and start my coffee. I realize I left the baby monitor in my bedroom so I run back in to get it. As I lean against the counter and sip my coffee I start to grow anxious again. The clock reads 8:04 and I think to myself he went to sleep at 11:00, it's been 9 hours, Should I wake him?, Is this normal?, Is something wrong?, Should I call my sisters and ask?. I go and check on him again - still in the same position.
    I go and bring the dogs back in and then I take my coffee into the baby's room. I set it down on the table next to my rocker. I stand at the side of the crib waiting for a sign that he's going to wake up. He's still in the same position but as I watch him I see his lips pucker and his chin begin to move as he sucks in his sleep. I thought to myself he should wake soon.
    A minute or two later his arms go up in the air as he stretches but doesn't open his eyes. That was good enough for me as I swept him up and put him on the changing table. His diaper was so full I thought he would float away. As I am changing him his eyes begin to open and he smiles at me as he stretches. His hand, mitten and all go right into his mouth as he cues while I finish buttoning his jammies back up. I was surprised as I thought he would scream in hunger because it was so long since his last feeding.
    We head over to the rocker so I can nurse him. He looks like Pac man as I get my breast ready for him. He gobbled up my nipple like a Pac man pellet and looked up at me as he had his breakfast. He was so talkative as he nursed. I smiled at him and said you shouldn't talk with your mouth full honey.
     After he was done we sat for our morning cuddle. He was all smiles and full of secrets and stories for me. I held him on my lap facing me and we shared more stories and smiles. I thought to myself is it possible that I love him more today then I did yesterday? It was then I realized what a change had happened inside of me - at that moment nothing else in the planet mattered to me - heaven was right in front of me. I no longer wanted for anything except more smiles.  I realize now what everyone tried to tell me when I was pregnant. "I get it"